There was a time when life was dark, and discontent and envy fiercely competed with each other for my attention. I was obscured by the shadows of my past, and the black clouds in my mind only served to pull me deeper into the void.
And there was a woman that crossed my path more than I would have liked. A woman who, perhaps, seemed strange to others - her speech was impaired, her character challenging, and she sought connection when all I wanted was to be left alone.
Some would go as far as to describe her as annoying…
I used to be one of those people.
When she approached me, I would feel irritated and overwhelmed, panic would rise inside me and all I could think of was how to quickly get away. At the time, I had little capacity for anything or anyone outside my own gloomy sphere, and I would rather trap myself in my own mind clouded with clusters of darkness than engage in a conversation with her.
I would quietly cross to the other side of the street when I saw her coming, and I even used to fake phone calls so I would not have to speak to her. Pretty horrible, right?
I have been considering for a long time whether I should openly admit this, but I am only human after all, and much like every one of us, I have my faults and I have a past.
But bear with me, please.
Somewhere along the way, the clouds lifted and I began to devote my days entirely to myself and my mental health.
I stared the deadly tiger straight into its pitch-black eyes, and I did not back down, no matter how furiously it roared and hissed. I refused to be pulled under again by the rolling waves of darkness and the voices that would tell me life is bad, that it would never get better and that all that awaits me is doom. I recognized these voices for what they were - lies - and the louder they shouted, the more I would dedicate myself to escaping these toxic thoughts, overcome my fears and work through the shadows.
Despite my obvious, yet entirely uncalled for dislike, I had come to notice the woman’s absence. I had not seen her in weeks, perhaps even months, and I had been wondering if something had happened to her and why our paths stopped crossing.
She was an elderly woman after all, and I found myself worrying about her more than I ever thought I would. Had she gotten through the heatwave okay? Was she ill? Did she need any help?
Today, we met again.
This time, I did not cross the street and I did not reach for my phone. As she approached me I found myself welcoming the conversation and as I listened to what she had to say, I gave her my undivided attention. She spoke of the weather, of people from her past, and of her younger self. She spoke of nature and her hobbies, and I could tell that she was grateful for the opportunity to talk to someone.
She seemed very lonely, and it pained me.
When our conversation ended, she smiled at me in a way that almost melted my heart, and I answered her with a smile of my own - not because I felt that I had to, but because I was equally grateful for this moment of connection.
As I made my way into the forest, a warm breeze was rustling through the canopy of the trees, and the sunlight was happily dancing on my skin like a thousand mosaics. This conversation with her would stay with me throughout the entirety of my walk, and it had left me feeling positive… and whole. I was grateful to have been given the opportunity to ‘do better’. I had made her feel seen and heard, and I came to realize that my irritation and my actions never actually had anything to do with her, but everything with me.
In the past, I felt frustrated because every corner inside of me was dark, and I had nothing left to give but that same darkness.
As I devoted myself to healing, I did not only heal the most important relationship of my life - the one with myself - but I also healed my relationship with others. Today, I can finally say that light has entered my realm again, and that my heart is fuelled by nothing but love and kindness and joy.
Kindness is free - and it is priceless.
To offer a smile, share some words of encouragement or just give someone our undivided attention does not cost a thing, and oftentimes it is these small and simple moments that hold the most gravity and turn someone’s day around.
We do not lose anything to being kind.
We only gain from it.
Thank you for sharing your journey so openly. You put it so well and the universe definitely has a sense of humor. We feel trapped in darkness and think opening up to others will only sap what little energy we have, only to find out that really allowing another, seeing them, is the very thing that brings us back to light!
This was so heartfealt and honest. I loved it!